Motives

Not for the first time, yesterday I was asked the ‘why?’ question. Admittedly this was from a guy who was totally closed-minded, who asked questions but did not want to understand or believe the answers but he was a bit of an extreme case. Often the more curious are pretty amenable to at least understanding this scene, even if it is not for them.

For me I always like to find out what motivates bois to want to get involved, try it out or why they have, in many cases, been doing this for years. In my head I divide these into motives that are ‘healthy’ and motives that are ‘unhealthy’.

Healthy motives for bois

1) A burning desire to serve

This seems to me to be the purest of motives. Instead of it being a part of a person’s life it is, in fact, their central informing idea. For guys driven by this motive it is certainly not just about sex, indeed that may often take second place to service in whatever form: the desire to be useful to a dominant guy is overwhelming. However this can easily tip over into obsession and people such as this can often come across as swivel-eyed loons. Nontheless, a boi with this desire is worth his weight in gold in my view. I know at least one boi who is motivated by this.

2) Fulfilling a kinkier side

Far more common than the first, lots of guys have interesting porn collections and what they regard as weird ideas at 3am. Often in a vanilla relationship and under the tyranny of mainstream gay culture it often bursts out when guys are in their 40’s. Whenever it finally escapes (and for many poor devils it is bottled up until the grave) they burst out and really want to get involved. Often this is not their exclusive interest, but something they have wanted to do for years. Again, it often tips over into trying to fulfil a long-held fantasy, which is often impossible to achieve and leads to disappointment. Fantasies are often best left in the head. This covers most of the bois I know.

3) Escapism

Lots of bois have high powered, responsible and stressful jobs. Badgered by bosses and employees, snowed under by spreadsheets and ‘power lunches’ there is no surprise that they simply want to let go. There are, of course, lots of ways to do this and some become bois. The feeling of liberation, that the rules are made for them and they are only responsible for their behaviour is a liberating psychological experience. Being a slave does involve pressure, but it is of a different, and often refreshing, kind. The main issue these guys have to face is squeezing things like this into their busy schedule. I know a couple of bois in this category.

Unhealthy motives

There are, of course, motives that I regard as unhealthy, such as…

1) Feeling the need to be punished

Now I knew bois like this existed and recently I met a boi who was intelligent enough to see that this may be why he was keen to try this scene. He was unsure of his motives and thought that, because he had made his life ‘complicated’ and was religious he was looking for a way to be punished for his misdemeanours. He at least recognised this as a danger, the unhealthy nature of it if it was true, and we both really hoped it was not. Others are not so perceptive and just want to be flogged and humiliated to expiate some sort of sin. Best avoided!

2) The wannabe fantasist

Generally new to the scene the fantasist wants to live out some sort of idea they have been having for some time. This, itself, is often the central problem: it is all about them. You can never be a good boi if it is all about you, but this type purely want to satisfy their own libido with the Master as purely an accessory, in many cases an unfortunate necessity, to the actual scene they have in mind. Best approach is to hire a hooker and do it rather try to convince some Master that you are really into the scene.

Master’s motives

I am less confident discussing Master’s motives because, well, I rarely have those sort of in-depth discussions. Certainly it is very well known that a lot of ‘Masters’ are insecure bullies hiding behind a raft of overconfidence. There are also examples of ‘Masters’ who are purely into non-consensual violence, breaking limits when a boi is vulnerable and occasionally putting them in hospital, causing psychological or emotional damage and often alienating them from the scene altogether. In all cases such ‘Masters’ should be exposed. In a more rationally ordered universe they would be shot at dawn.

My motives

So why do I do it? I guess there are two reasons that are really worth mentioning. The first one is that this is a scene that involves using your brain, your imagination, your judgement about human beings. It is fairly easy to get sex (if I wanted to simply fuck I would stay home and play with the boyfriend) but this is in some ways sex +. It offers and intellectual challenge linked to an erotic environment that I find hard to resist. The second one is that I like developing bois. Coaxing, cajoling, encouraging them to advance to even greater heights is a really worthwhile thing to do. It could be introducing a boi to something new, developing something that is currently in its infancy, or hitting on a different combination that creates a new sensation or degree of enjoyment. It is a form of satisfaction I have not really felt elsewhere and, again, I cannot really resist it.

I would be very interested in hearing from other Masters and bois as to what attracts them to this scene...

M

An open letter

In response to my last entry this was posted by Avis.

‘Avis said...
Listen mate...
Really don't understand why you're such a nasty-judgemental jerk?
I don't think we were ever introduced to each other personally so it's amazing how shallow you must be to make this kind of comments.
First of all my "deal" with Master is non of business and secondly he is a great guy, very carrying and by contraries to you he is just a nice person so maybe instead of bitching around like a stupid queen mind your own business and piss off.
Probably you will delete this message anyway.
"Avis" ‘


A response

Well, I have decided not to delete this message, rather confront it head-on. I would certainly not dream of deleting it as a journalist I sort of believe in freedom of speech It is also nice to know that my blog is both being read and having an impact!

So let’s start with some of the criticisms from Avis.

For a start Avis says this was not a business arrangement, and that he was not hired by the great guy in question. Unfortunately, and yes in my “judgement”, this actually makes things worse. The reason being that, if there was no commercial arrangement there is even less excuse for your Master to indulge in poor discipline. If you truly are his boi then he has done an appalling job in training you and showing you how to behave as a boi in a social environment.

This is, I hasten to add, not your fault. In the end there is no such thing as a bad boi, only a bad Master, and your training, demeanour and general behaviour is His responsibility. In short if you were not there as rent, His training and disciplining of you was sorely lacking, so much so that the opinion of people as well as me were ‘he’s rent’.

As for the more personal stuff, well, it is hardly worth considering. I have no expectations of making any personal comments about you, indeed I could not: we have, as you rightly intimate, never spoken. The one comment I will make is that I am being ‘judgemental’. Of course I am, in fact everyone is judgemental about appearance, personality, temperament: everything. The difference is I am prepared to do it on here and lay myself open to criticism.

The real deal

My substantive criticisms are not of you, but of the ‘great guy’. I am afraid I am not willing to believe that you were not rent, and the following still apply:

1) That going into the Master&slave room on Gaydar and claiming bois as your own when you have hired them is both untruthful and tragic.

2) Honesty is always the best policy.

Taking pretty bois on a chain to the Hoist to bolster a flagging ego is not particularly pleasant. Telling untruths about it is even less appealing. Getting bois, training them, putting in work, seeing the results of both your efforts is far more rewarding. So seeing bois by virtue of who you are, not by virtue of the contents of your wallet, is a far better route to respect and happiness.

Anyway: if you want to discuss this further please feel free to do so next time you see me at The Hoist. As Bob Hoskins famously said: “It’s good to talk”

M

Ridiculous to the Sublime

OK, so I went out twice this week, without malice of forethought it must be said, but there were reasons for this sudden burst of activity. Basically Natt is moving up to Scotland, and seems to want to pack in as much fun before leaving. He is only going for 2 months, officially, but may be up there longer.

Thursday (ridiculous)

Of course I had planned to be out on Thursday night for SM Gays. Again I had lots of friends coming, the Old Guard Household (or in moments of flippancy, knitting circle) was out, although not in full strength as Gareth, Simon and Andy were not able to come (Andy being in South Africa working on his tan…). Socially it was a good night. Lots of new people were there, like Natt’s friend Phil, but there were also people who I knew but had not met each other. So, from the ‘knitting circle’ perspective it was pretty rewarding.

However, from the point of view of action it was deathly boring. Partially because it was bondage (a naturally static event) but someone, somewhere, had taken the decision not to open the second arch after 10pm. This is the first time this year I have been to an SM Gays night when this has not happened. So with all of us crowded into the first arch it got hot and smoky, it was also brightly lit. So not much action was going to take place in the first arch, but by not opening the second the atmosphere was totally changed. We all buggered off as a group around 11, having generally said everything there was to say and not able to do much else.

(As an aside, the Master mentioned in the ‘Alpha’s Night Out’ entry was there again with Avis. I am told the poor boy was being paid silly money and has said to his client that he will not be going there again. He is actually quite a sweet lad, not into the scene as he is happy to say he is only doing it for the money. I hold my breath waiting to see his replacement).

Saturday (sublime)

If Thursday was dull, Saturday was fun. Admittedly I got there later than usual, having met up with Natt and Phil where they work but they did not finish until midnight. Phil is clearly keen, but pretty novice (for example he put his collar on the wrong way around) so I had fun putting him through a few presents, correcting some of his habits and behaviour. It was actually quite fun, treated Natt and Phil to some CP (hand only) and later in the evening tested out Phil’s bootlicking skills.

When we left it was all back to mine for more fun and frolics, good enough to ensure that I did not really wake up until 2pm. In short I have offered to take on Phil as a trainee, but have told him to go off and think about it. It is generally a bad move to have pre-existing friends join the same stable, but with Natt off to Scotland it makes more sense. Of course he may decline, which would be a shame but is always an option.


Meanwhile I am back on the hunt again, looking for a replacement for Natt: a slave who is available and geographically close enough to be a regular ‘club boi’. It will probably take longer to find one than it will for Natt to come back!

M

OW! That *%$£^&@ hurt!

My opinion of Pain

Pain seems to be considered axiomatic with the Master & slave scene. Indeed for those outside the scene it often looks like that is all the scene consists of. As one lad said to me: “that’s a very brutal scene isn’t it?” Well, here is a little secret: I do not like inflicting pain.

For a start I am not a sadist. Many, if not most, self-styled Masters are. Indeed that is often all they are, but describing yourself as a Master sounds far better than admitting that you are a sadist. Equally many slaves are masochisists, again often exclusively so. You see them on Gaydar, saying that they need to be ‘punished’. When asked what for the response is as if you asked for moon rock.

Which leads on to the second reason: punishment. Now I tend to differentiate between pain from sources such as TT and CBT (slow, persistent and controlled) and CP. The former I will happily do as part of trying different combinations of activities on bois. But flogging, spanking, lashing and so on I tend to reserve for punishments. Now as punishments are not meant to be enjoyable, logically, I have no real interest in bois who are masochists or ‘like pain’.

Punishments

I do like dishing out punishments. This is different from dishing out pain. When it comes to CP I am really turned on by a submission of a boi to the pain, being thanked for each stroke, the grovelling and begging involved trying to reduce the punishment or avoid it altogether. It is the actual inflicting bit that does nothing for me. It is also, in my opinion, a bit too much of an easy way out for a Master to reach for the lash, so I limit myself to 20 strokes in one session, and one session every 24 hours as a rule. This forces you to be inventive about looking for other methods, such as ignoring a boi, making him eat something he dislikes, sitting on an uncomfortable toy for a certain amount of time and so on. I am not averse to inflicting CP, but do not expect the boi to enjoy it, and I certainly would not be interested in doing it gratuitously.

Questions from bois

You often get questions or statements from bois, such as:

1) “I don’t like Pain”

Good. I do not want you to actually like it! Ideally you would be willing to submit to it as part of a punishment regime, light, moderate or heavy. Often it is a progression with bois starting light and gradually being able to take more. Besides, it would not do for a boi to get used to the pain.

2) “Please punish me, I have been bad”

OK. What have you done? Besides, punishments are not all about CP. If a boi has been bad it is up to a Master to keep a varied set of punishment options so the boi does not know what he is going to get. If you just want CP then say so.

3) “I love being fucked after being punished”

Fine. You might like it but you are not guaranteed to get it.

4) “I do not want any pain, will this stop me being a slave?”

Not at all: S&M is not Master & slave. If you make pain a limit then a Master will decide whether to take you on, as he may regard pain as central to what he does. I do not, although submission to it is welcome, and I have a few bois on a regular/irregular basis who have ‘no pain’ as a limit.

Pain is a complex thing, and it is something that, again, highlights that all bois are different. I get strange reactions from Masters when I say that I do not like inflicting pain, as if I just landed from another planet, but it is true. I enjoy the act of submission, the efforts bois make to avoid it and being thanked for the lesson afterwards: but not the pain bit. It is also why I am not interested in bois who ‘enjoy’ CP. CP to me is always a punishment, and how can you punish a boi by doing something he enjoys?

M

Update

Although there has not been one single event happening recently, there have been several smaller ones over the past few days that probably need blogging: my life has, after all, not come to an absolute halt. But all of last week was pretty quiet as the boyf was going away so it was ‘his’ week. Now I have the place to myself until the 10th of May, and intend to take advantage of it.

Nathaniel

The first thing that needs mentioning is Nathaniel: a boi of some history. I had first been in touch with Nathaniel about two years ago and arranged a meet for a vanilla session. Well, I got hopelessly lost and it never happened. He is, in point of fact, the only person I arranged to meet on Gaydar and never did. Despite this we have stayed in touch and recently found out that I was ‘into’ all of this. Turns out that he was interested although inexperienced, so this time we arranged another meet and this time I did not get lost. We had a fun time: an initial session on Saturday afternoon to go through the basic presents and etiquette before an evening trip to The Hoist.

I have to say that it was an odd evening there. Whilst Nathaniel was changing I asked the doorman and he said there were over 220 guys in there: this was at 11pm. And it was busy inside, although the crowd was very different from a usual Saturday night: after all it was Easter weekend. Despite being an ‘Oi Oi’ night there were precious few skins and I recognised about half a dozen people, knew about one. Nathaniel actually ran in to someone he knew who said that he ‘looked the part’ which did wonders for his self-confidence as a boi. I spent the night at his place, which was closer, and I am looking forward to a somewhat harder session in the near future.

Nathaniel should also be along at SM Gays next week, but as he is going to be bringing along some ‘curious’ mates I have said that coming in civvies would be best: it would make his mates more comfortable.

Another coffee meet

Then later on it was a meet for coffee with another prospective boi. In an hour long chat as usual it managed to break the ice (innocuous talk about trains) and then onto the more substantive stuff. I have to say that after this meet I am in two minds about things. There was a lack of chemistry, certainly on my side of the house, but it is sometimes hard to tell in a non-sexual environment. I am certainly happy to see where it goes and maybe this boi comes alive with his clothes off and a collar on: some are like that. So we have a tentative date set for the Monday…

Andre’s session

So Tuesday was Andre’s last session before his holiday. Unhappy that he had missed out on Saturday night we had a long two and a half hours of constructive sleaze, introducing new elements we had discussed and pushing older ones further. So with a combination of yellow, toys, bondage, bootlicking and CP he got a more comprehensive session than he had been subjected too before. I have to say that I could not be happier with how he is developing, his desire to experiment and his intelligent approach. Also his appearance at the last SM Gays has turned a few heads, which built up his ego a bit: this session allowed me to put that into perspective, shall we say…

Odds and sods

There are a few other straws in the wind. Notably the Master I mentioned in the Alpha’s Night Out entry has recognised himself and decided to extract his revenge on Gaydar by pvt-ing lads and ‘warning’ them about me: although on what grounds I am not clear. Equally he, and a few of his more gullible patsies, seem keen to have me banned from the site, again, on what grounds I am at a loss to say. I will keep my eye on this with wry amusement. Meanwhile I should be meeting another boi who I have met a few times before in a non-leather context early next week. Watch this space.

M