OW! That *%$£^&@ hurt!

My opinion of Pain

Pain seems to be considered axiomatic with the Master & slave scene. Indeed for those outside the scene it often looks like that is all the scene consists of. As one lad said to me: “that’s a very brutal scene isn’t it?” Well, here is a little secret: I do not like inflicting pain.

For a start I am not a sadist. Many, if not most, self-styled Masters are. Indeed that is often all they are, but describing yourself as a Master sounds far better than admitting that you are a sadist. Equally many slaves are masochisists, again often exclusively so. You see them on Gaydar, saying that they need to be ‘punished’. When asked what for the response is as if you asked for moon rock.

Which leads on to the second reason: punishment. Now I tend to differentiate between pain from sources such as TT and CBT (slow, persistent and controlled) and CP. The former I will happily do as part of trying different combinations of activities on bois. But flogging, spanking, lashing and so on I tend to reserve for punishments. Now as punishments are not meant to be enjoyable, logically, I have no real interest in bois who are masochists or ‘like pain’.

Punishments

I do like dishing out punishments. This is different from dishing out pain. When it comes to CP I am really turned on by a submission of a boi to the pain, being thanked for each stroke, the grovelling and begging involved trying to reduce the punishment or avoid it altogether. It is the actual inflicting bit that does nothing for me. It is also, in my opinion, a bit too much of an easy way out for a Master to reach for the lash, so I limit myself to 20 strokes in one session, and one session every 24 hours as a rule. This forces you to be inventive about looking for other methods, such as ignoring a boi, making him eat something he dislikes, sitting on an uncomfortable toy for a certain amount of time and so on. I am not averse to inflicting CP, but do not expect the boi to enjoy it, and I certainly would not be interested in doing it gratuitously.

Questions from bois

You often get questions or statements from bois, such as:

1) “I don’t like Pain”

Good. I do not want you to actually like it! Ideally you would be willing to submit to it as part of a punishment regime, light, moderate or heavy. Often it is a progression with bois starting light and gradually being able to take more. Besides, it would not do for a boi to get used to the pain.

2) “Please punish me, I have been bad”

OK. What have you done? Besides, punishments are not all about CP. If a boi has been bad it is up to a Master to keep a varied set of punishment options so the boi does not know what he is going to get. If you just want CP then say so.

3) “I love being fucked after being punished”

Fine. You might like it but you are not guaranteed to get it.

4) “I do not want any pain, will this stop me being a slave?”

Not at all: S&M is not Master & slave. If you make pain a limit then a Master will decide whether to take you on, as he may regard pain as central to what he does. I do not, although submission to it is welcome, and I have a few bois on a regular/irregular basis who have ‘no pain’ as a limit.

Pain is a complex thing, and it is something that, again, highlights that all bois are different. I get strange reactions from Masters when I say that I do not like inflicting pain, as if I just landed from another planet, but it is true. I enjoy the act of submission, the efforts bois make to avoid it and being thanked for the lesson afterwards: but not the pain bit. It is also why I am not interested in bois who ‘enjoy’ CP. CP to me is always a punishment, and how can you punish a boi by doing something he enjoys?

M

Update

Although there has not been one single event happening recently, there have been several smaller ones over the past few days that probably need blogging: my life has, after all, not come to an absolute halt. But all of last week was pretty quiet as the boyf was going away so it was ‘his’ week. Now I have the place to myself until the 10th of May, and intend to take advantage of it.

Nathaniel

The first thing that needs mentioning is Nathaniel: a boi of some history. I had first been in touch with Nathaniel about two years ago and arranged a meet for a vanilla session. Well, I got hopelessly lost and it never happened. He is, in point of fact, the only person I arranged to meet on Gaydar and never did. Despite this we have stayed in touch and recently found out that I was ‘into’ all of this. Turns out that he was interested although inexperienced, so this time we arranged another meet and this time I did not get lost. We had a fun time: an initial session on Saturday afternoon to go through the basic presents and etiquette before an evening trip to The Hoist.

I have to say that it was an odd evening there. Whilst Nathaniel was changing I asked the doorman and he said there were over 220 guys in there: this was at 11pm. And it was busy inside, although the crowd was very different from a usual Saturday night: after all it was Easter weekend. Despite being an ‘Oi Oi’ night there were precious few skins and I recognised about half a dozen people, knew about one. Nathaniel actually ran in to someone he knew who said that he ‘looked the part’ which did wonders for his self-confidence as a boi. I spent the night at his place, which was closer, and I am looking forward to a somewhat harder session in the near future.

Nathaniel should also be along at SM Gays next week, but as he is going to be bringing along some ‘curious’ mates I have said that coming in civvies would be best: it would make his mates more comfortable.

Another coffee meet

Then later on it was a meet for coffee with another prospective boi. In an hour long chat as usual it managed to break the ice (innocuous talk about trains) and then onto the more substantive stuff. I have to say that after this meet I am in two minds about things. There was a lack of chemistry, certainly on my side of the house, but it is sometimes hard to tell in a non-sexual environment. I am certainly happy to see where it goes and maybe this boi comes alive with his clothes off and a collar on: some are like that. So we have a tentative date set for the Monday…

Andre’s session

So Tuesday was Andre’s last session before his holiday. Unhappy that he had missed out on Saturday night we had a long two and a half hours of constructive sleaze, introducing new elements we had discussed and pushing older ones further. So with a combination of yellow, toys, bondage, bootlicking and CP he got a more comprehensive session than he had been subjected too before. I have to say that I could not be happier with how he is developing, his desire to experiment and his intelligent approach. Also his appearance at the last SM Gays has turned a few heads, which built up his ego a bit: this session allowed me to put that into perspective, shall we say…

Odds and sods

There are a few other straws in the wind. Notably the Master I mentioned in the Alpha’s Night Out entry has recognised himself and decided to extract his revenge on Gaydar by pvt-ing lads and ‘warning’ them about me: although on what grounds I am not clear. Equally he, and a few of his more gullible patsies, seem keen to have me banned from the site, again, on what grounds I am at a loss to say. I will keep my eye on this with wry amusement. Meanwhile I should be meeting another boi who I have met a few times before in a non-leather context early next week. Watch this space.

M

Busted

I was going to put up a post today about pain and punishment, but last night something quite rare happened. I managed to stick it to one of the timewasters.

This character on Gaydar goes by the name of gayjonnylondon and I had arranged to meet him one afternoon in the city centre. This is a journey of about an hour for me all told. I had his number so I sent him some texts on the way there, no response. I got to Comptons (where I usually meet bois for drinks) and waited for half an hour, no show. Got back, message on Gaydar; no response. Not entirely typical, but behaviour like this really damages the really genuine guys looking for meets.

But last night, with a chum online, we flushed him out. He came into the Master&slave room. My mate flushed him out, and then I stepped in…he was totally befuddled. He was already chatting to my mate; he had no idea who he was so he could not ignore me without looking like a complete idiot. So he was baffled as to who my mate was and admitted to standing me up. Did not apologise for this but he was, as another guy mentioned in the room, ‘busted’.

It is, admittedly, a flaw in my character that I bear grudges, something I possibly inherited from my grandfather. So it may sound a little petty that I indulged in this. But there is a serious side. There are guys out there who want to meet on a genuine basis, and the more timewasters there are out there the more they damage their prospects.

Now all I have to do is the same to pussyguy1979…

M

Absolute Beginners

I have been asked by bois so many times about what I do it is getting a bit wearisome repeating myself. Not their fault, for them it is all fresh, but for me it is so damn repetitive. So here is the outline of how I deal with new bois, in the hope that they will read this rather than just let me ramble on.

The Basics

Before I really talk about physical acts there is the basic behaviour and training that all bois are expected to know. In short this is all the protocol, etiquette and presents. These are not going to kill you to learn and are totally non-sexual, which is not to say they are not erotic. If any boi questions the need for this then I am happy to explain why a disciplined model of behaviour is a necessity. If a boi says “this is not for me” then I have no interest at all. Bois should be disciplined individuals who show respect and deference to their Master, not sloppy, slovenly and disrespectful. Providing and enforcing a disciplined structure is part of that basic set of building blocks. So initial training is all about getting this framework in place and making sure the boi knows it.

After this, before even putting on a collar, a boi is to set out four lists: Limits, Punishments, Rewards and Education.

Limits

When you get on to discussing physical acts this is the most crucial. All bois are different, but for a Master the key facts before commencing any scene are the knowledge of a slave’s limits. These are, in my book, inviable. A boi is encouraged to list here any physical act that he does not want to do, or have done to him, ever. Of course things can be taken off this list by the boi, but ideally never added to except by one route that I will mention later on. I never trust a boi who says: ‘no limits’. Everyone has limits, and I am certainly not titillated by any boi who thinks that claiming he has none is somhow a good thing.

Punishments

Punishments are there to correct behaviour. They are not there to be enjoyed. If a boi enjoys a punishment you defeat the object, which is to react to mistakes and bad behaviour by doing something to the boi he does not like. This could be physical, such as a form of CP, or TT or CBT. Equally it could be forcing a boi to imbibe something: my Alpha boi hates spam, for example, so to punish him I sometimes require him to eat it. There is also the ultimate sanction of being ignored. A boi wants to please his Master, and denial of service is a harsh punishment for really serious bois. There are other forms of punishments, such as being fucked or similar by a boi lower down in the pecking order.

Rewards

Conversely, to run parallel with the Punishments are the Rewards. This is something that the boi really likes. Some bois are rewarded simply by the ability to serve, of course, but I do like the` ability to do something to the boi that he really likes if he has done something very well, behaved with excellence or generally just shone. This, too, is different from boi to boi. Some love to be fucked by their Master as it is his attention that is focussed on the boi and it is also the provision of service. Others like to receive oral, so another boi may be required to do that for him. Some like ass-stretching, others just want to have their hair stroked or be allowed to sit on furniture for a bit. So Rewards and Punishments run together: do well, you get a reward, do badly, you are punished: a simple and logical structure.

Education

This is generally the most intriguing, because it is all about the unknown. A boi can tell me before taking on a collar that he ‘would like to try’ or ‘has always wondered if…’ relating to a specific thing. It may be something very basic, like TT. It may be something that takes time and effort, like wanting to be fisted. Equally I often weigh up a boi and decide that we need to try something new, based on my judgement that he would respond well to a particular thing. Exploring a boi, developing him, pushing him to greater efforts and watching him grow is one of the most stirring things about this scene. This is why I hate one-offs: there is no scope for development and training, and that is one of the aspects of this scene that I truly enjoy.

M

Alpha’s Night out

A Group

As I said in my last entry it could have all gone horribly wrong, planning for Thursday’s SM Gays night. I had tried to create some form of critical mass, Dennis and his boi Will, Gareth and his boi, Simon, Peter, Nick and whoever else turnedup. I had hoped to take along my Apha boi, Andy and Adam, who I had been dealing with intensively online. Equally there were some other bois who I had spoken to who I had no real expectations of, but ‘might’ pitch up.

In the end it more or less went as planned: except Adam who did not pitch. More about him in another entry I think. But everyone else showed up and we were able to make a nice little group. For Gareth, Andy and Simon it was their first time at The Hoist, for myself and others we were veterans. But it was deliberate of me to choose a Thursday: relaxed, less crowded but with more things to see.

Taking in the sights

For Andy it was as much an experiment than anything else as part of his crabwise move into the lifestyle. As such an SM Gays night is a good starting point as there are so many unusual kinks and fetishes present that you usually do not get at a weekend. This provided endless visual amusement for Simon and Andy in particular: large numbers of older guys into football kit seemed to be in evidence (clearly memories of Geoff Hurst abounded) but as it was also masks and mummification there were a few guys who had been experimented on. In particular one guy mummified, lashed to a pillar and with a werewolf mask on gave even me raised eyebrows.

Simon, Will and Andy thankfully managed to retain straight faces in the presence of extreme provocation, but it was all part of what I consider as a learning process: you have to start somewhere and whatever floats your boat is ok by me. On the other hand I cannot help reacting with bemusement to some of the less flattering approaches. That and some fun later meant that Andy certainly enjoyed his first visit, and another looks on the cards.

"Avis"

But our greatest amusement and criticism was reserved for a Master and his boi. This Master is well known for hiring his bois and then popping up on Gaydar claiming that they are his. Sad, really, but in Thursday night’s case it was even worse. For a start it was clear that the boi was rent: he slouched, was badly dressed, had no sense of respect (self or otherwise) and his body language was terrible. Compared to Will, Simon and Andy he looked, frankly, terrible. No matter how cute he was there was no escaping the fact that he looked like a total amateur. Now in my view a boi and his behaviour is a reflection of his Master, so despite being cute this boi could only bring shame and disapprobation on he guy who had hired him. Equally, in my view, he looked less cute, and was far less striking or attention grabbing than any of the three bois in our group. Indeed later, in the second arch where I took Andy for a little play, the ‘onlookers’ were far more impressed with Andy’s responses to my stimuli than they were to his.

Andy nicknamed him ‘Avis’. This seemed appropriate. What was even more disappointing was that, with a couple of hours work and the right clothes this boi could have looked really good, if the desire was there and the effort put in. If this is the way he wants to earn money a bit of time, effort and investment would go a long way.

Daniel

Andy left at 11pm. This was an hour later than anticipated because he got a bit carried away in the second arch and in the end I told him he ought to leave, before we risked trouble from his partner back home. After he left Daniel approached me: one of the bois that ‘might’ have turned up. Actually he had arrived at 10.30 but seen Andy and myself occupied in the second arch had ‘not wanted to interrupt’. So we had time for a chat but little else, a chat that continued after we left as I accompanied him to the bus he needed to take. A possibility, Daniel, and one willing to actually turn up: a true novelty

Success?

Andy felt that it had been a success, and in many ways it was true. But it was a slow night and I felt that the atmosphere was not as charged as usual: perhaps it was because the theme was gags and mummification it attracted more ‘watchers’ than ‘actors’ but, still, Alpha had a good time, I had a good time…the first of many I hope.

M

Frenetic Friday

Ok, it was just the late afternoon and evening but still…it was a full enough day.

Twice in a week, am I dreaming?

I had arranged a session for Friday with T again. It was to be his second domestic session and the final one before I decided if he was ready to join the stable full time. As the day drew on I had also been chatting on MSN to Andre, who wanted to nbe called A as a boi. I was happy to finally persuade him to take the role of Alpha. I had been angling for this for a while, and although he has his restrictions he has more than enough benefits in his favour to rub those out: intelligent, good looking and subby with a very hungry hole. Equally he has been my longest serving boi who I have gradually introduced to the lifestyle. He may yet decide that it is not for him, but I think if that decision is made it will be one that will be made for him.

So, A and T were both going to play: A would have his first experience as acting as Alpa, and T would be playing with another boi: so more tests and challenges. It went along generally as I had pictured it in my mind: a two hour session. After T had helped A shower I took them both into my room. A assumed a doggie position on the bed and I instructed T to rim him out. Once moistened he was lubed and I began with some fingers and then my smallest toy, T found this rather awe inspiring, asking A if it hurt and whether he was ok. Well, A moans and writhes in an interesting way but T was mistaking pleasure for pain.

Then we moved to the idea I had in my head. I tied A and T together in the same position at wrists and ankles so both holes were pointed in my direction. I tied the other wrists and ankles to the bed. I continued with the small toy with A whilst I lubed and fingered T. A brief rest whilst I cleaned the small toy and then got A’s larger one. Having got them both to lick and kiss their toys I effectively did a chariot on both of them. A moaned and groaned magnificently, whilst trying to encourage T to take more and make more noise. This scene went on for 12 minutes, I had intended to go on for 15, but T cracked…he could take no more pounding.

I unchained/untied them both, and T went to the loo…I was able to take A in for the first time and he looked very fine. To end the session we both came in T’s mouth, but A wanted a second go, so I fingered him a bit and he came again…The next step with A is more one-on-one training and a trip to buy some kit. I expect to have him ready for SM Gays on the 15th.

Meet at 8…

I was rushing a bit at the and as I was meeting a prospective boi later that evening for a coffee and a chat. I told T to go off and have a think, saying I was prepared to take him on, but he needed to have think about whether this was what he wanted. In the meantime I met this possible lad, called J. Bright, cute and subby, he seems ideal material. Non-anal but very oral I can think of numerous things that he can do nontheless. Remember, dear reader, that all bois are different and the challenge is finding them all a role to play. So, in his case I am very confident that he is ready to take the next step: a short controlling and training session next week looks likely.

And today..?

Well, the boi who I have been working on through MSN (see earlier posts) has finally got over his computer problems and we again had another of our marathon conversations. He is keen to get himself a PA sorted out this month too. So, the way things are shaping up looks better than they have for a long while. If I can get A, J and this boi stable and sorted I will be well placed to move on. There are others in the picture too: Michael will always be a welcome visitor from Manchester, T may decide he wants to come on board which will be a welcome addition, and there are other bois out there too who have also said they are interested in meeting up ‘sometime’. Of course it may all go horribly wrong by next week, but at the moment I can look forward to some good times and hard, but productive, work.

M

We happy few

A productive meeting

Last night I was out having a social meeting with a Master and his boi. Both are in the process of trying to introduce the Master/slave lifestyle into their current relationship. This is always a tough thing to do: a lot of the previous habits have to be discarded, and new ones put in their place whilst, at the same time, maintaining the cohesion of the relationship. A tough call in any circumstance.

This pair clearly had many things in their favour. Firstly they clearly loved each other and were very close, the Master indeed finding it hard not to indulge his boi and, as he said at one point ‘not treat him like some form of chattel’. This cropped up in a discussion about ‘loaning’ out bois, but as I pointed out, He makes the rules for his boi, and if he wants His boi to be exclusive to him, or put constraints upon his activities when he is loaned out, well, that is His choice. He is the boss after all.

So we went through a whole range of stuff for over two and a half hours, from etiquette and protocol in public to what they want to do between themselves. My point of view was simple: the Master and boi should know the rules and regulations, and in a public space like The Hoist, be more attuned to them, after all they are on show and the boi is a reflection of his Master’s training and attitude. But, in other circumstances, take what they see fit from the menu of rules and if needs be make up their own. After all, they need to make their relationship work and any rules imposed should be to help that along, not hinder it.

Master’s pressure

It is far harder to be a Master than a boi, and this came out in this discussion. The Master felt that he was just getting over the need to keep His boi busy doing things at all times, but that He sometimes still felt the pressure to do so. This is a clear trap that many couples fall into. In a fixed-time session it is possible to do that. Before a session starts I like to have a checklist in my head of things for the boi to do and alternate between ‘hard’ things (like tt, ass-stretching etc) and softer things like leather care, cleaning or cooking. The longer the session the more changes in tempo you need to have.

In a 24/7 relationship this is impossible. In this Masters case, as He said, some days He would come home from work and have no energy to do anything. At this stage it is the boi who needs to step in, and this is why bois should not have all initiative crushed. The boi could offer his Master a massage, or just leave Him to unwind and do things that he knew needed doing so that his Master would notice them later and (hopefully) be pleased.

Long road but?

It is a long and hard road that this couple have chosen. The boi is now writing his own blog (http://www.slaveboi07.blogspot.com/) and I am sending what other bois I can to read this. It is a matter of information and support. There are so few of us who are prepared to put in the time and effort that we simply have to support each other. It comes back to the notion of a Household that I was discussing with Dennis and I also chatted with this pair about: as a support structure for Masters and bois so they could discover more, feel less isolated and be supported by like minded people. The more that I think about it, the more I find it a necessity. It may be a long road for this pair, but happiness is already there and, with luck, support and a fair wind, there is more to come. I personally wish them well and will do everything I can to support them.

M